From The Onion...

I'd Tell You What I'd Do If I Were Gay is hysterical.

Some would consider the way I woul d chide my close female friend -- her name would be Trish --for her frumpiness a tad harsh. But I would only tease Trish to encourage her to better herself. I'd see potential in her, even if she didn't. True, the way I call my real-life wife a lazy slob isn't constructive, just abusive, but heterosexual men aren't as understanding as homosexual ones.

Also...

Teen Responsible For All Six Items In Clarksburg Police Blotter
CLARKSBURG, WV -- According to s o urces at the Clarksburg Telegram, troubled youth Danny Nathum, 1 7, is r esponsible for all six items on Monday's police blotter. "We had two disorderly-conduct reports, three counts of vandalism, and one DUI arrest," Telegram assistant editor Jess e Su t to n said. "Looks like Mr. Nathum had himself one heck of a busy wee kend." C larksburg, population 16,743, last experienced an all-Nathum crime spree in December, when the teen stole a bicycle, burned down a barn, and punched Old Man Herman.

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A judge in San Francisco has moved the hearing on same-sex marriages to Thursday, giving the city more time to grant licenses to even more gay couples. At last count, the number was up to 2,500.

Here's the ruling I'd like to see: He slaps Mayor Newsom on the wrist, orders him to stop issuing licenses to gay couples, and then refuses to invalidate the marriages which took place because the couples went through the proper channels.

Well, I'd really like to see him throw out the law which defines ma rriage as being between a man and a woman, but how likely is that?

The article "What's in a Word? by Alternet writer George Lakoff offers in interesting analysis of gay marrige and the diffi culty in finding middle ground. While you're there, check out "Valley of the Dolls," which explains something we've all known since "Stylin' Hair Ken" hit the market:

"Here I have to say that while Mattel may own Ken and B a rbie legally they are culturally the property of us all and we can do what we want with them: make them break up, stay together, exchange heads, or colonize Saturn, if we have a basketball and a hula hoop handy. Dolls are about interpretation and my theor y is that, knowing that Barbie will land safely in the arms of Blaine, Ken can finally stop living a lie.

"Ken is gay. Ken has always been gay. For god's sake, who else shaved their chest in the 60's (or I'm at least assuming he does). You'll notice that while they were polite to each other, he and GI Joe never hung out. Joe always looked at Ken like a grenade whose pin had been pulled: a little unsure."

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