Ellen Goodman's latest column tackles the way cellphone users obliviously broadcast personal information to everyone.

In just the past few weeks, there was the woman who got on the train in Boston with a shaky relationship -- "I did not leave my things at your place on purpose" -- and got off in New York with no relationship. There was the father in Cincinnati whose son's SAT scores -- 540 in math, 480 in English -- were audibly not what he hoped for. There was the doctor in the grocery store discussing a CAT scan of a patient in Milwaukee. How do you spell adenocarcinoma?

I can relate. I was at 7-11 the other day and heard a guy walking down the aisles, yakking away on his cellphone. "No, I ain't fucking Mathilda. She's just messing with you, babe. I wouldn't have nothing to do with that skank."

I'll probably get a cellphone when I start driving, because I really would like to have one for roadside emergencies, but that's the only reason I'd get one. I don't want a cellphone because I don't want that ever-present tether. If I'm not home, you can leave a message on my machine and I'll get back to you when I feel like it. I don't need to discuss personal business in the cereal aisle.

---

From The Onion...

Mugger Can't Believe Crap Victim Has On MP3 Player
BOSTON -- Following the successful mugging of a jogger in Franklin Park, petty criminal Derek Mesker announced Monday that he cannot believe the shit he's found on his victim's Philips 20GB MP3 player. "3 Doors Down? Maroon 5!" Mesker said, scrolling through the songs. "The new Counting Crows?! Man, I'm glad I pistol-whipped that motherfuck." Mesker added that the first thing he did was toss the device's "gay-ass" teal neoprene case.